The Plight of the ‘Other Woman’
29 Jun
Infidelity has been around since the birth of humankind, since we evolved into a species who mate for enjoyment as well as for procreation. There are countless reasons why people sometimes stray from their lover and seek comfort, pleasure or romance with the affections of another…some people stray for sexual fulfillment, others for emotional satisfaction, but for all those who find themselves entwined in the illicit web of lies and scandal, there is a reason why they have cheated.
Most parties are able to walk away from an affair-made-public with a slight tarnish, maybe a bruise or two, but the ‘other woman’ (if of course there is one) seems to come away the most damaged of all those involved; her emotional confidence shattered, her reputation in tatters and her heart in pieces. The other woman is the one who suffers the most – of course the couple will have difficult times, but the errant husband is either rehabilitated by the tough love of a commited wife, or he is ‘let go of’, in which case he can ‘do’ whatever(whoever!!) he so chooses! Either way, he will not be going back to the ‘other woman’ and she will have to pick up the pieces of her life all by herself.
For some reason these poor women are seen as witches of the 21st Century, the stigma attached is so powerful and they are for some reason seen as a promiscuous, morally challenged, homewrecking whore; but answer me this, do we normally find women pursuing married men, or married men pursuing women?? No brainer really, these poor girls are the victims of love and when they are found out they are the victims of stereotyping. Few women women would accept the affections of a married man, what usually happens is that the woman discovers his marital status once a degree of emotion is already invested, most would walk away at this stage but can you blame a woman in love for believeing her new love when he swears blind that his marriage has already crumbled beyond repair??
What you need to remember, BEFORE you end up as the other woman, is that the married man who you feel so attracted to is more than likely being honest when he says he is unsatisfied with his marriage, that he and his wife don’t connect anymore, that he doesn’t think his marriage is worth it; but, by nature of the fact he’s there with you also is a CERTAIN sign that he is possibly all those things, but he is definitely dishonest, immoral, disrespectful, cowardly and manipulative. Ignore that and you are duping yourself I’m afraid!
I’m not saying that all infidelity is categorically wrong, I feel there are sometimes exceptional circumstances which, to an extent, make infidelity semi-acceptable; for example in the case of a person who is the victim of domestic violence…however, of all those people who cheat on their partners, a minute minority are is such a situation. If someone so unhappy in their relationship that they wish to conduct an affair, why do they not simply leave their partner?! The honest few do, the others are simply dishonest, selfish and unkind.
The age old line which is told constantly to mistresses around the world is that it’s only a matter of time before they leave their wife, to be patient before they can truly be together…very few men actually honour this promise. If you’re the other woman, be sure that there is no future for your relationship, he will never make an honest woman of you, you will simply be taken advantage of until you see through the lies. If a man has to choose between letting you down or letting his wife down, you’re always the one tossed to the side. You are not ‘the one’ for them, they may say you are, but 99% of the time you are as replaceable to them as a razor blade…you fulfill needs (usually sexual) which can easily be satisfied by almost any other woman. Their emotional investment in you is nothing, their emotional, and financial, investment in their marriage is enormous.
I feel for these ‘other women’, they have been drawn in with lies and promises of love and romance, they are fed tales which seduce them and make their desire to please even stronger…they are not entirely innocent, but for the most part they are simply naive. Yet, when the man goes back to his family (either honestly or simply chooses another ‘toy’), or the affair is outed, the other woman is labelled a seductress, a promiscuous tart with no decency, and it is her name which is dragged through the mud! He gets labelled a love rat (for all of a week), and if he manages to jump through the hoops his wife tells him to and get his marriage back on track he regains the image of a wholesome family man of good character with the added bonus of being seen as someone who has managed to turn their life around!
Being the other woman NEVER WORKS OUT WELL for you, that i can guarantee. I know how easy it is to be drawn in and I know that for some perverse reason (thanks human nature) we are more attracted to those in relationships to those who are single, but have the strength of character to see through the lies. Do not allow yourself to become the disposable plaything of a sociopath, no girl should be taken advantage of and to then see her life fall apart as a result of this is simply adding salt to the wound.
La Belle
Thank you for this article La Belle. Unfortunately it is spot on. Although difficult to hear it is essential to see through this type of relationship. I have recently been in the position of a married man trying to get me into a relationship and he is still trying! I did not know that he was married at first as he trod very carefully, presenting himself as a care free guy, and it didn’t even cross my mind that he could be married. It was only when subtle cracks started to show that my suspicions began. I asked him straight out and he was perfectly relaxed about telling me, yes, he was married, with children. The worst part was that after that he has only pursued me more and more! For my part I was angry with myself for not suspecting earlier. Fortunately I realised soon enough and got away despite the strong initial attraction. I’ve made it clear to him that I am not interested now I know he is married but since he knows there has been a pysical attraction he won’t let it go. I’ve seen people close to me go through the role of ‘other woman’ and it very painful which has made me very wary. But I was surprised by the intensity of pull towards him, because I had become emotionally involved before I knew he was married. If it has been difficult for me to resist before a relationship really got started it must be so difficult once it’s got quite involved. Of course it can be really flattering to be stongly pursued, especially if you are going through a difficult time in other areas of life, as everyone does from time to time or just generally not feeling that great about yourself. But the experience has made me really feel for women (and sometimes men) in this situation. Attraction is so powerful and when someone is telling you what you want to hear… I recently read that a married man will pursue a woman far more than a single guy. I try to remember this to help me keep perspective. Of course there are a few exceptions to the rule but in general I feel that a married men has nothing to lose in pursuing as he only sees the woman as an object, an honest guy will be seeing you as the whole package, a girlfriend and he puts his self esteem on the line in letting you know, so his approach may seem a little less bold. Unfortunately I see this guy regularly due to work. But I remind myself that it is all an illusion. He tries every tack but I’m seeing through the manipulation and he is amazingly good at it! But it is not real – however down he may seem that I’m not falling for it, however nice and caring he may present himself. It also helps to remember his poor wife. If he is so unhappy why doesn’t he leave and if he cares for her how can he be so prepared to cheat. So as for me, the attraction if fading as I realise the manipulation and I’m focusing on looking after me and finding someone worthwhile, single and with integrity. My best wishes for any woman or man that is involved with in a relationship on these terms at the moment. I think the worst thing is what it can do to your self – esteem. I’ve only just discovered your online shop today but I think you have the perfect products for a woman or man to buy for themselves as gifts, to nurture self esteem and feel good about themselves, and to find out what makes them feel happy which is great.