Blooper-Proof Your Sex Life

Sex is mean’t to be fun, sex is mean’t to be lighthearted…which is why i’m a big fan of getting the giggles while i’m getting the good stuff! I love laughing during sex, not an empty and artificial laughter, i’m talking about the kind of laughter which gives you real belly ache. Having said that, i must qualify my claim – laughter during sex is only fun when it’s mutual, it’s fun when you’re laughing together, but when you’re being laughed at it’s sheer hell.

I’m talking about those sex mishaps we are all victims of every so often, the bloopers which could feature on an x-rated version of ‘you’ve ben framed’. We’ve all suffered at the hands of our bodies’ peculiarities, we’ve all been in those hideously embarassing situations, but there is nothing as insufferable as embarassment during when naked, particularly when there’s no one else to blame! When you’re in a relationship, these ‘situations’ are dire, they make your body shake with shame and misery; when you’re with a new/newish partner and you’re prey to a sex-blooper you simply wish the bed would swallow you up, so you no longer need to feel the indignity your body has laid on you!

Some sex bloopers are freaks of nature, totally unexpected, totally unpredictable, totally uncontrolable – there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, a perfect example of such incidents are the cases where a woman’s pelvis locks around her lover’s member and her vagina’s death grip simply won’t budge, requiring the services of first an abulance and second a physician to break the love-lock! The most common sex bloopers are avoidable though, or if not, they can’t be put right quickly and with little need for embarassment…so long as you know what to expect, you anticipate potential mishaps and understand the things you should do to avoid embarassing moments and put them right should they materialise.

To help keep sex funny, but in the right kind of way, I’ll give you a helping hand by outlining the most common sex bloopers and providing the solutions!

1. The ‘Oh…we’ve started’ issue, this one’s more embarassing for him than for you but you will cause a good deal of offence which might turn him off you for good (if you need to utter those words however, do you really want his affections?). You know before the act commences (unless it’s been pitch black since before the clothes came off) whether or not your man is well endowed, If you have clocked that he’s not got much firepower swinging between his legs, then make sure you don’t insult him by not realising he’s penetrated you; by placing your fingers either side of your labia (feigning, or not, a touch of masturbation), you’re fingers will pick up his arrival even if you’re vagina doesn’t.

2. Your offering your gentleman the many wonders of the blowjob, when your gag reflex decides to get the better of you….we’ve all been there haven’t we ladies? The lucky ones have got away with some mild, but particularly unsexy, choking – the less fortunate have suffered the rage of a man who has just been vomited on! You know how much you can take, everyone has a limit! using your hand as an extension of your lips gives him the illusion that you’re taking much more of him than you actually are! If he’s still trying to push your head down then flip onto your back with your head over the end of the bed, into the deep throat position; by opening up your throat it inhibits the gag reflex…simples.

3. The famous fanny-fart (god i hate that term, but what else can it be called?), it’s a pretty unpleasant sound and is guaranteed to raise some eyebrows…yet when it happens, it’s his fault for pushing air inside you! You can attempt to avoid this as much as possible by using a decent amout of lube during intercourse, but even this is not a guaranteed solution. What you need to realise is that once that first fanny fart squeeze out, you don’t need to suffer the shame of the next five! Toss him off you (in a passionate way) as you swap the position up, he’ll love being controlled and it gives you the few seconds you need to expel the air…soundlessly.

4. It’s not the most obvious, but an upset stomach can lead to very embarassing bedroom incidents! I’m not talking about the lightly rumbling belly, i mean the kind of bubbling nightmare that can go from discomfort to a desperate need to go to the loo faster than you can say fuck! Having to throw yourself off a man to run screaming to the loo is not particularly attractive, but that’s the fate of the fortunate…others have been known to ‘not make it in time’! You know when your stomach is in really bad shape…do not have sex!

5. Anal sex bloopers! I’m sure it doesn’t take a particularly incisive mind or creative imagination to get an idea of the myriad embarassing situations that anal sex can bring on, yet most of these can be avoided with a bit of foresight! Anal sex, more often than not, is a planned indulgence and 99% of the time the veto vote belongs to the lady! If you are going to have anal sex, give yourself an anal douche! Not only will it, likely, save you from extreme shame, it’s also a lot more hygenic! It may not be the sexiet moment of your life, but it’s a lot more palateable than many of the things it can save you from.

Sex bloopers are many and varied, there is no way you can account for all the unfortunate, unforseen, scenarios which may develop while you’re being bad! But, it doesn’t mean you have to give in, as shown above, there are common ones which we know will happen every so often which you can help!

Keep sex fun, keep it funny, but don’t be the punch line!

La Belle

www.labelleuk.co.uk

xxx